Planet, thank you for the support. Yes, I'm better, but it's a one step forward, two steps back kind of thing. Like you said, good days and bad days. Yes, I wish I could be like Superman (the first one with Chris Reeves) and rewind time so that i could make things different for Michael. When i lose myself in Michael's sexiness, that's when I'm not so sad and it's like he's still here. I feel guilty sometimes but it's what gets me through until my next meltdown. Am I crazaay? LOL Probably but I'm still here. Thanks again, honey.
I don't think it's crazy at all to immerse yourself in the golden goodness! Did I just type that? LOL! Anyway, I think a lot of us seek solace in the sexy side of MJ to keep from thinking about his lonliness, pain, and suffering. I don't think about his death when I watch clips of the HIStory tour or the panther dance. I celebrate him. There's nothing wrong with that at all. We are human afterall. We are appreciating something Michael wanted us to see and enjoy.
I'm getting a bit off topic here, but what do you all think could have been the cure for Michael's loneliness? Do you think he was still lonely toward the end of his life? Or that the 2005 trial suck whatever life he still had in him?
I really think having friends he could trust and perhaps a romantic companion in his life that he could really enjoy might have alleviated his lonliness some. I don't think he ever would have been able to just go out in public and do the things you or I take for granted, so he still would have to live with some isolation. I just think knowing he could reach out for someone who didn't have ulterior motives would have gone a long way for him. His children did help some, too, but adults also need adult companionship and conversation.
a beautiful video you posted....I still have my good and bad days.....forever missing Precious Michael....tears...
His loneliness he endured throughout his life has always broken my heart. Just want to hold him in my arms and tell him he's not alone....and how much I love him and how much he's means to me.... and thank him for everything he's given to us ALL.....tears..sigh.
Love, Carmen ♫
♥ L.O.V.E. you Michael ♥
I am trying to figure out why this month's anniversary was so difficult for me. I think part of it is due to the fact that people in my life really are getting very inpatient about my statements that it still hurts. Where the looks used to say, oh how sad, she misses her idol, now they say, she has totally lost it and really SHOULD be over this.
When I try to explain, which I don't often do, I get many blank stares. The funny (or not) thing is that many of my friends are also therapists and therefore KNOW that everyone grieves in different ways and in in their own time. I guess that does not apply to poor little obsessed me... sigh....(is there a feeling sorry for myself icon????).
Yeah, coming up on a year most non-fans have totally put it out of their minds except for the few seconds details about the case appear on the news. It never leaves my mind. Ever. I'm really not sure I'll ever get over this loss.
I think a great part of it is the unpredictability and lack of attributable "meaning" to his passing. Generally, the more predictable a death is or if it in any societal or cultural way has meaning or "makes sense" grief reactions are less. There is really good research about grief reaction of parents in Israel, comparing those who lost children to war and those who lost children to car accidents. Those losing their children to car accidents had much more complicated and damaging grief reaction. The reason for this was unpredictability and lack of meaning that could be attributed.
Death and loss are always hard- but some factors just make it so much harder to heal.
Had Michael been old or very sick, it would still have been difficult to deal with. However, the death was traumatic, sudden, unexpected, and does not fit into any rational category that can be made sense of. Add to that the element that as humans we always look for justice in some way- and that, right now, just seems to out of reach in any meaningful way.
I don't know, I might be just looking for answers, where there are none. I keep reminding myself that I have to continue to live my life and make it as meaningful for my family, myself, and those people I interact with as I can. To do this, is honoring Michael's memory and his work. And I do, but thoughts about his passing and the connected facts are always there, and get triggered by the seemingly most unrelated things.
You know, BE4MJ, I was reading your post trying to find some solace in your logical explanation of the grief reaction, but I kept getting distracted by that leg kick and slow downward caress in your gif...
PJ - I am not exactly sure how you meant that last comment, but distraction is one of the main methods that I have been using to help this grief more bearable. Distraction = a moment in time when everything stops and I come to rest. The distraction can be a funny video, a cute picture, or even gold pants. In that moment my mind is relieved of acknowledging the pain of the logical fact that Michael is no longer with us.
Yeah every time details of the case pop up I get sad too. I'm always thinking how helpless he probably felt while taking his last breaths. That thought just consumes me. And I finally watched the interview with the bodyguards last night. They did nothing to help my grief because they mentioned that Michael was so sad and lonely. A selfish part of me didn't want to believe that. I wanted him to find happiness at the end of his life. It's like, he's not the first to die like this. But with some people, you can say, "Well life didn't owe them anything. They enjoyed every bit of it." But with Michael, all the fame, money, and love in the world did nothing to cure his loneliness and sadness. And that makes the grief all the more harder for me.
I'm melancholy now after reading your comment Annie. I think you're right. angel-watcher, I was in a playful mood when I wrote that response to BE4MJ's comment. It's true! I do get distracted all over the site by all the delicous gifs. I also use distraction as a coping mechanism. As a matter of fact, this entire website is a coping mechanism for me to deal with the pain and the grief.
I do so agree with your observations, Annie and PJ. I always thought his life would be "Golden" (in the good, Jill Scott kind of way--not the pants this time). Turns out it was anything but, and I am so sad for that.